i loved you i loved you i loved you its true
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a zine cataloguing feelings and thoughts about censorship on itchio and other platforms, discussions around that censorship, and feeling failed by those I (naively) thought had my best interest at heart.

this zine is suitable for all audiences but
some sensitive topics are discussed
in an informational way

please download if you desire to have the PDF
you can also read this on my website

StatusReleased
CategoryBook
Rating
Rated 5.0 out of 5 stars
(55 total ratings)
Authormalaika
Tagscensorship, Yuri, zine
Average sessionAbout a half-hour
LanguagesEnglish
LinksHomepage
ContentNo generative AI was used

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Development log

Comments

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(+3)

I’ve been going back and forth on what I think about the Itchio staff. There’s even comments from me about the situation in the professional games media press where I’m sympathetic to the staff, but I’m also just annoyed by the incompetence and how chronically understaffed they’ve been.

At some point, intentions stop mattering. Gross neglect is harmful. As you’ve written, the delisting has caused a lot of damage that cannot be compensated at all. I’m still pissed that Uranium Gays went one from the most popular TYVNJ entry to the bottom; its re-indexing has made it bounce back up, but there’s a part of me that wonders if it could have reached more people.

Reading the zine, I think my opinion on the staff remains sympathetic but only slightly. I’m very, very irritated by the radio silence as well. They haven’t done shit for six months and counting. Volunteers are obviously burned out.

On a related point, they have done more than the bare minimum by geo-locking accounts for UK citizens: it’s one thing to hide the game entry but it’s another for the entire account to be hidden for these people. I don’t understand the rationale to this day when other websites have only hidden the game.

I don’t really know how to talk about Itch without getting emotional because I do care about the site. I know everyone is working hard, but there’s clearly a disproportionate amount of care given to people. It’s reminding me that in the end platforms are platforms: they serve the interests of capital, not us.

(+2)

Thank you. It took me a while to reply but do know I did reread this several times. It also makes me emotional.. And they frequently are just doing the bare minimum or just.. putting a piece of tape on something. I just Can't Understand it other than if there are limitations with Itchio itself.. Which I imagine is the case but it's been.. so long T_T It has to be fixable but they just don't.. seem to.. have desire to fix the site's problems

(+1)

I'm sorry I just found this. Thank you so much for writing it. This is still so important right now and it feels like nobody's talking about it anymore if they're not directly affected, so it feels so isolating.

(+1)

no don't worry! i honestly wasn't sure if you'd see it at all..  i wasn't able to contact you so i honestly felt bad mentioning you off hand but i wanted to highlight how its affecting your work specifically because it is such a unique case that people don't know about and because i wanted to support you even if it was in a minor way  ^^;

 i'm happy it didn't bother you and that you appreciate it. i really hope itchio staff like.. gets their shit together and helps you and your rerelease goes well!

Thank you for writing this.

thank you for reading c:

I wasn't planning on reading this because I knew it would be depressing. But I did and it was... I generally agree with the sentiment of this zine, aside from a couple parts of minority and fetish, but that's not the main point. It's still valuable insight into exactly how cowardly and complacent Itch.io staff is. Implicit bias affects people more than we know or want to admit so bringing attention to it helps in starting to overcome it. If only the people who run these sites, where others rely on them, would realize that. 

(6 edits) (+4)

Thank you for reading. I won't lie- I would prefer if you explained your disagreements about minority and fetish to see if you misunderstood or actually disagree with me ^^ Because it's something I feel strongly about as a Black person, not just as a 'minority'. It was specifically in relation to my race, but I brought it up in case other minorities felt similarly about this and to have non-Black people think about fetishes that don't affect them.

I think the relationship between the being a minority and fetish-work itself is complicated, but the reason I mentioned it is because on SNS there are often rallying cries behind posts with big lists of fetishes that are viewed as 'weird' that people should support, but it just ends up bothering me because 'raceplay' and adjacent fetishes are never mentioned despite it being such a popular fetish and something I have to actively watch out for when interacting with others online- because it is so common but just not acknowledged at all. As a cis girl, it affects me differently from black men too, but it is much more defined and visible for them to the point where it's mentioned in casual conversations now.

Entire countries depictions of black people are often majority fetish related or show the consequences of fetish work (ie Japan/Korea) and it affects how we are viewed and interacted with by others.  In these large conversations, people love to pretend it doesn't exist or not discuss it which makes me very uncomfortable because we are often erased anyways, but at the same time, some of the fetishized depictions are very beautiful depictions, but they'll never be mainstream because the casual fetishization is what is in mainstream media and that stuff continues to result in us being viewed negatively. This I've seen happen with other minorities too, but the fetishization of us in particular is so mainstream and normalized that it the erasure isn't even questioned anymore.

Despite it being something no one talks about despite it's popularity, it's not affected by the Paypro stuff AT ALL which to me is significant, even if I left is as subtext in the zine itself. It's something a lot of people engage in, but because it's not queer, it's not being targeted which allows it to be left out of these convos.. You can't say words related to familial relations on a lot of Xvideo sites but you can say 'black slave' freely. The relationship queer people have with fetishization and Black people is different- hence I didn't go into it very much because it wasn't a Main point and this zine was focused on the disproportionate queer work being harmed that includes fetish and non-fetish work, but I mentioned it to bring this into the viewer's mind's eyes.

But I can also have my opinion changed or altered, but well, I can't gleam anything from your comment ^^ I'd like to hear what your disagree with so I can think about it because we have been erased in these conversations, and you are the first person to bring it up in this comment section and I've been curious about how people would respond to it for a while!

(+1)

I'll try to explain then, cause I think there is a lot to it, but I am bad with words ^^" I'm also a Black cis woman, and on the asexual spectrum (aego to be exact). And I feel like I don't view fetishization in the same way most other people might. A lot of times when the word is used it seems to also imply "dehumanizing", which I don't think is true, especially when it comes to fictional content. If anything sometimes I can find comfort in the idea of a specific trait being someone's fetish; like a fetish for disability, portraying neurodivergence as something attractive and desirable, that can be treated lovingly. And admittedly I'm also weird when it comes to who I "relate" to or how much I don't insert myself into fiction.

I also believe fiction and reality have a more complex relationship than one affecting the other in a direct 1:1 correlation. And some cultures tend to interact with and separate fiction from reality in different ways (North American vs East Asian).  The way I lean is that depictios in fiction aren't going to change people's perception of real life that easily, and that it's society's pre existing notions that affect mainstream media more than the other way around. And it's even more complex and individual for smaller niche work like fan fiction...

But I do think it's unfortunate that people don't really discuss raceplay in particular, because I think it is worth bringing up how common it is. Questions that can be asked like, do people even notice when it happens or when they are expressing it? Is it so mainstream as to be omnipresent? Even just what causes people to feel this way about Black people, or any particular human race? 

I hope any of this makes sense, I may have rambled a bit too much.

(5 edits) (+1)

I see. Well, I don’t think fiction and reality have a 1:1 correlation which is why I think a lot of content has the right to exist.  Looking at something critically doesn’t mean it has a 1:1 correlation. To believe that is against looking at it critically- it is black and white thinking I am against hence my entire feelings about being anti-censorship.

Fetishization of minorities changes people’s thoughts about those minorities long term because of all of the other factors at play. This is something that is prevalent with discussions around Black men because so much content based around them is fetishistic in nature.

I can’t wrap my head around your fetishization statement. Fetishization is dehumanizing because to make something an object of desire is to objectify that thing or person. It’s not Just Attraction. People want to be viewed as desirable especially minorities with a history of not being viewed that way, but to only be viewed as an object of desire because of your ethnicity or disorder or other identity results in you not being viewed as a person.  I sometimes embrace these depictions but other times it is tiring.

To find black women beautiful means nothing because black women don’t look or act the same. To find a disorder attractive doesn’t mean much either because but all presents differently. In fiction, it’s a complex topic because fiction can humanize a character that was made for the purpose of fetish, but often it does not because so much of fetish is rooted in stereotypes or ignorance.

(+1)

Thank you for also explaining your point of view. I think we've had pretty different experiences in our lives, which is why our perspectives clash, but I'm glad to have spoken with you

(1 edit) (+1)

Yes it was interesting ^^ !

Thanks for making this. I read it through on a one-sit. Very captivating text and well put ideas. Also sheds light on things and gives people information.

Thank you for reading!

I already read your zine “looking on writing black characters,” and I really appreciate the insights you gave there. This zine was no different. I like how nuanced you write. At the end of my read I was pretty angry with the way itch treats a selection of creators with plausible deniability – leaving them hanging and in precarious situations.

My games are still very much in the SFW category, and I learn about new games mostly through my feed and jam entries. That’s why it completely went past me, that the de-indexing was still an ongoing issue (I wasn’t even aware friends of mine were affected >.<).

I learn about new games through recommendations, but when I first started looking for trans rep games a year ago, what i found through itch’s search was very limited. I have to assume this has only become worse over time. This added barrier is especially dire considering how scarce media portraying people from minorities in a fair light is already.

To me the trans fem dev space I found here feels like a trading ring for zines: Very personal, at times transgressive, showing a wide variety of skills, and breaking with aesthetic norms. I’m glad I found this space. It becoming less and less discoverable is really dark.

Thank you for sharing your experience and shedding a light on the issue.

Yes the thing is I have friends who make NSFW games who didn't know about this because they're just not tuned in on SNS or to analyticsand the SFW developers who are aware tend to be involved in NSFW spaces.. IE devs like the Heavensent dev.

And yes, Itchio is so bad... at making minority content viewable. It's one thing I was getting at via the nature of tags. The ability to not exclude anything makes this problem worse. The fetish community and the LGBT community on Itch have a lot of tag overlap which makes things more difficult- especially since a lot of the time it is beneficial for people in the LGBT community to use fetish tags (or to embrace these tags wholeheartedly for a variety of reasons).  

A lot of queer people join game jams which helps a lot bit but maybe one day Itchio will make curated collections or the collections of users a core part of the site you can actually look at.. I sometimes find games via just looking at the analytics of collections my games are in haha.

(+6)

It's all so difficult and frustrating. Seeing you talk about it has helped me put words to some of my experiences as a trans woman in corporate workplaces, and it scares me the devaluation of art that is occurring through all of this. Art will always have value, and art always pushes boundaries, that's what it does.

I hope other creators feel the same but I know if certain platforms crashed and burned tomorrow, or just got worse for marginalized groups to the point we couldn't even post on them, I'd still find a way to make and share art with the people I could.

(+1)

i'm happy you were able to put things into words. i felt the need to explain it because on SNS people act like corporation and lawmakers just do things because 'they are evil' but just saying that gives them too much plausible deniability and even acts of 'evil,' have reasoning behind them. but at times i worried i was infantilizing the audience :"D

i think humans will make art forever.

(+7)

this is why we need to truly divest from any platform that even has corporate shareholders.  in a capitalist system it will always be profits over people.

yes c: i hope more people embrace more platforms someday